The Iraq war and the Democrats: "John Kerry has said that we need to 'de-Americanize' the war -- I guess on the theory that the 'de-Americanizing' process has worked so well for the Democratic Party"

Gay marriage: "Gays usually bring up the argument about all the straight couples living in 'sham' marriages, but I see no point in dragging the Clintons into this"

Liberals and the military: "The only time liberals pretend to like the military is when they claim to love soldiers so much they don't want them to get hurt fighting a war"

Media bias: "Fox News should agree to admit it is conservative if all other media outlets will admit they are liberal"

Modern anti-Christian bias: "There is no surer proof of Christ's divinity than that he is still so hated some 2,000 years after his death"

Journalistic standards: "The only standard journalists respect is: Will this story promote the left-wing agenda?"

Slick Willie: "What actually happened during the Clinton presidency? No one can remember anything about it except the bimbos, the lies, and the felonies"

Hillary's memoirs: "Hillary has already gotten a record $8 million advance from Simon & Schuster for the book -- reportedly the most anyone has ever received for rewriting history"

The Democrats: "The current Democratic Party is a crowd of idle, rich degenerates, the likes of which hasn't existed since the czar's court"

Janet Jackson's Super Bowl exhibitionism: "Even CBS executives were enraged by MTV's halftime show, saying they could have gotten the identical show from National Geographic for a fraction of the price"

The Confederate flag controversy: "It is outrageous for Northern liberals and race demagogues to try to turn the Confederate flag into a badge of shame, in the process spitting on America's gallant warrior class"

The Episcopal church: "The Episcopalians don't demand much in the way of actual religious belief. They have girl priests, gay priests, gay bishops, gay marriages -- it's much like the New York Times editorial board"

Kerry and tax cuts: "If Democrats want to talk about middle-class tax cuts, couldn't they nominate someone who hasn't been a poodle to rich women for the past thirty-three years?"

Hugh Hefner: "Like the Democrats, Playboy just wants to liberate women to behave like pigs, have sex without consequences, prance about naked, and abort children"

The New York Times's war coverage: "Apparently, the Times's stylebook now requires all reports of violence anywhere within 1,000 miles of Iraq to be dated from Bush's speech declaring an end to 'major combat' operations"

The Times and crime: "The only cop the New York Times likes is the one in the Village People"

The parties: "Both parties run for office as conservatives. Once they have fooled the voters and are safely in office, Republicans sometimes double-cross the voters. Democrats always do"

Islamic terrorism and liberals: "The Times was rushing to assure its readers that 'prominent Islamic scholars and theologians in the West say unequivocally that nothing in Islam countenances the Sept. 11 actions.' (That's if you set aside Muhammad's many specific instructions to kill nonbelievers whenever possible)"

Liberals and Christianity: "The only religion that can be constantly defamed and insulted is the one liberals pretend to be terrified of"

Liberal eulogies for Reagan: "The lesson to draw from what liberals said about Reagan then and what they are forced to say about him now is that the electable Republican is always the one liberals are calling an extremist, Armageddon-believing religious zealot"