I opened the magazine, intrigued not because she’s hotter’n a $2 pistol on Saturday night, but because I was certain Paris could shed some light on the state of contemporary affairs from a perspective that I would have no other avenue to experience.

I wasn’t disappointed – in fact, I was stunned.

In the cover article, resplendent with multiple color photographs of the goddess herself, was the quotation “People think I’m stupid, but I’m smarter than most people”.

Jesus Jumped Up Christ On A Pogo Stick! What if she’s right? What if Paris Hilton *IS* smarter than most people!?!?!?!

Will that be humankind’s epitaph?

Can’t you envision Charlton Heston riding down a deserted beach one day, clad in a loin cloth astride a handsome horse, toward a bust of a woman ahead in the sand? As he gets closer, he sees that the bust isn’t half-buried Liberty, but the face of Paris Hilton. And then, as the air is shattered with his anguished primal scream, we see what he sees – a bronze plaque that reads:

SHE WAS SMARTER THAN MOST OF US